Where my compassion for allies comes from – it’s intersectional reciprocity

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I’m often asked where my compassions come from in regards to the Authentic Allyship project. This has been a very humbling question to me. And it’s taken a while to know how to give an answer that feels authentic.

My compassion towards white allies, and white people in general, including even the ‘racist’ ones, isn’t something that has come out of nowhere.

As a person who was raised as a man, I have deeply struggled in intimacy and relationship with women and femmes, making many mistakes that have left people with deep scars. Knowing this about myself has actually one of the main things that held me back from launching my Authentic Allyship project. I simply didn’t feel like I was a good enough person to hold such a space.

What has allowed me to feel finally ready to bring this work to the world has been the emotional support of women and femmes, as friends, lovers, therapists, business partners, and coaches. They patiently and compassionately held space for me to heal my shame of being born a (genderqueer and Asian) man.

From this self-work (which is still ongoing) I learned one very important thing (that my friend and colleague Rachael Rice succinctly reflected back to me in these paraphrased words): “The abuser is also traumatized by their own abuse.”

When we hurt the very people we want to be loved by, we also hurt ourselves. It brings us incredible despair and shame.

This is what I see in white people.

I believe that white people simply want to be loved by POCs. To be forgiven even when it feels impossible. To be held in the midst of self-loathing. To be shown a way out of this mess.

From this place, I understand my compassion for white people as an intersectional reciprocity for the deep love I have received from femmes and women.

I hope that this adds to your feelings of safety in working with me.

Thank you so much for showing up to this,